Poor in Spirit

Some days I feel like there are no words to describe how weak I am. To say that I need God is an understatement. I can’t even count how many times I’ve told him that if He didn’t show up I would die- or self destruct. And He hears me. He loves me so much more than anyone on this earth and I forget that sometimes.

We still want so badly to find a place in this world. We want to feel like we belong here, and that we’re wanted by people. But I must lay down that desire if I hope to catch the eye of the God of the universe. Somehow His attention pales in comparison to the attention of others at times, and the idea of being pursued. How could I compare Him to that? How could I ever doubt that He’s better than marriage? That’s pathetic. Have I really dwindled Him down to this little thing? It hurts my heart to know that I am so quick to put my self worth and feelings of desire or rejection into the things and people of this world. In this moment, here with Him- I want NOTHING more than to just be near His heart. I don’t care what I lose...I don't care if I'm weird. I don’t care if this is going to be the loneliest journey of my entire life- I want to be closer to His heart than anyone on this earth. I want you, God.

"I believe being poor in spirit is a choice- a decision we all have to make to go lower still, fully dependent on the One who is always dependable. God answers all of us according to our faith and hunger."- Heidi Baker, Compelled By Love

Being weak, being poor in spirit is a blessing. The world says to be needy is to be a coward. But God says those who are poor in spirit- theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven. It is in these moments that I claim weakness a blessing. I can completely relate to Mother Theresa when she said, "I don't think there is anyone who needs God's help and grace as much as I do. I think that is why God uses me. Because I cannot depend on my own strength, I rely on him twenty-four hours a day. And if the day had even more hours, I would need Him during those hours as well."

It also becomes very much a battle of my thoughts, as I realize I keep forgetting the things He's spoken over me. I essentially cannot allow myself to be defined by anything else.

I love that he renames us with the intent of redemption. Much like Paul... the Lord loves to redefine us. He has given me a name which signifies singleness of mind and loyalty without compromise. Somedays it feels like that couldn't be further from the truth of my heart. But, I am encouraged. Anything that comes from His mouth can only be truth, and so I will cling to that. I am His dove and will fix my eyes on Him alone.

I am entering a season where I am about to be stretched for the Lord like crazy. I am so ready to throw myself into all that He has. There is so much more of Him I have yet to encounter and I'm ready to run into these uncharted waters. I literally cannot wait to hold these children in my hand, to serve this nation. I am ready to fight for what is right. For truth. We may forget sometimes that there is so much pain and suffering on the other side of the world- but its there. And there is need, whether we see it or not. I'm so excited that there is a generation of people who are starting to open their mouths for those who cannot speak for themselves and fight on behalf of righteousness. Apparently, the number of people who applied for the same program I'm doing was outrageous this year- but how exciting!! I feel honored (and so humbled I could cry) to have been accepted, that the Lord would give me favor. And I am encouraged that there are so many people with the same fire, the same passion, the same vision and heart to see the love of God on this earth the way Jesus Himself intended it to look. I know that it will be difficult at times, and painful. But I am all in. I am going. I will fight for this, as I believe that it is right, it is a door that God has opened for me with His own hands.

"But He knows the way that I take; when He has tested me I will come forth as Gold. My feet have closely followed His steps, I have kept to His way without turning aside." -Job 23:10-11. I want this to be my life.

p.s.- I have recieved over $1,000 for Africa in the past few days alone. The money is coming in like a flood!!! Jireh- God is our provider!